My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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