I'm so fucking centered right now
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
