i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
