So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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