how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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