I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
