No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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