I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
