Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
