So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
