so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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