she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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