I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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