For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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