i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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