Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Found the puke drawer
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
