We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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