Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
