i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
