We're facebook friends in real life
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
