The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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