he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
