They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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