You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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