Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i need some magic done to my vagina
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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