If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
