What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
