So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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