I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you made out with another girl for some wings
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
