trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
