What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
