in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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