I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
