The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
