My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
