am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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