saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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