The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
