god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
