I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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