Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
