I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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