Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
