If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
