I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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