Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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