The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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