but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
