when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
