Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
