new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
